Hush Little Baby ...

Good morning,

I’ve pretty much been absent from my blog for a couple of months now and although I knew that I would be writing a big post at the end of the summer, I didn’t think it would be this one. At the start of this month (August), I was preparing to shout from the rooftops,” I’m having a baby” but unfortunately that all changed over the last 3 weeks.

Before I begin this blog post, I will warn you that I although I’m not usually much of an emotional sharer, on the flip side, I don’t hold back on information when it comes to important topics like this one.  Please note: T.M.I.

 This is the story of my miscarriage,

Saturday, 27^th of July, the day after my 30^th Birthday. I was on Skype chatting to my in laws. Everything felt normal, nothing out of the ordinary. As I chatted, I looked down at my growing belly, a reminder of the little life growing underneath. After the call, I used the bathroom and noticed a tiny spot of brown on the tissue. I stared at it for ages, wondering, is this something to worry about. I’m normally a bit of a hypochondriac so I surprised myself by deciding that as it was so so small, it was too insignificant to warrant all out panic. I mentioned it to my husband though in passing just in case it was something that happened again.

Sunday, 28^th July, Sunday brunch with my best friend, to celebrate my Birthday. Such a beautiful day. We chatted about getting older. About funny things that have happened in the past and of how exciting it was to be both pregnant at the same time. If our children could be half the friends we were, wouldn’t it be amazing.

Monday 29^th July, 9 and a half weeks. When I woke up, something didn’t feel right! The best way I can describe it to you, is that I didn’t feel pregnant anymore. My breasts didn’t feel tender and my bloated stomach felt deflated. I used the bathroom around lunch time and noticed the brown spotting had returned, although still not much to talk about, it had increased in volume. Generally, it was only when I wiped.  I called my husband and asked him what he thought and then phoned the doctor. In the doctor’s office, a pregnancy test showed positive which gave me some hope. Reading up on miscarriages afterwards, I now know that pregnancy tests cam remain positive for a couple of weeks after a miscarriage. The doctor referred me to A & E in the maternity hospital

In the hospital I had 3 external scans done. The first 2 doctors could not find the sac. I was starting to think I had made the whole thing up and this was some kind of phantom pregnancy. The 3^rd, a registrar finally found the sac which ruled out an ectopic. I was told it was too early to see something on the external scan and would have to wait for appointment in the Early Pregnancy Unit.

Tuesday 30^th July. Although it had not been confirmed officially, I knew this pregnancy was coming to an end.

Wednesday, 31^st of July. With no call from the EPU, I went ahead a made an appointment with a private clinic to have the internal scan done. The minutes felt like hours, so you can just imagine the thought of having to wait another few days for confirmation of the inevitable.

Thursday 1^st August, 1^st , internal scan. Just confirming what I already knew, the internal showed a sac, the foetal pole, a foetus but no heartbeat. It was nice for us to see the little one on the screen, tiny little head and body with 2 arms and 2 legs. While the sonographer could not say officially she did say if my dates were right then her feeling would be that it was a miscarriage.

Friday 2^nd August – Wednesday 7^th, in limbo. The brown discharge is still present but unassuming, if you like.

Wednesday 7^th August. My 2^nd internal scan. Although this is my second internal, it was my first at the hospital which I had originally attended. Again, you could see the sac and foetus but noticeably it had reduced in size. I gave the doctor my report from the private clinic which showed the discrepancy in size. For my doctor, it just looked like an early pregnancy. Even though I knew my dates were spot on, I had to wait another week to make sure it the pregnancy was not viable before they could medically intervene.

Thursday 7^th – Wednesday 14^th . Went back to work in an attempt to get some normality back in my life. The brown discharge became red blood over the weekend which strangely I was happy about. Finally my body was going to let go of the baby it never gave life to.

Wednesday 14^th August. 3^rd Internal. Miscarriage was official. I had my bloods done to check if I needed a shot of Anti D (for negative blood groups) and I was give 4 Cytotec tablets to be inserted that night. These soften the cervix and encourage the contents of the womb to be expelled. I’m sorry if that sounds cold but for me that was reality of the situation.

That day I had not been feeling 100% anyway and had been feeling some slight contractions of the cervix. It was like a dull ache. I had no cramps but I could feel the tightening on the inside.  I went home from the hospital. My husband took me for breakfast. After a while I realised something wasn’t right and the ‘period like’ pains were getting stronger and more frequent.

By Lunch time, the blood flow had increased significantly and the pains were coming on like contractions. I didn’t realise for a while that they were actually contractions. After about 15 mins the pain became very severe and there was no let up between contractions. It was exactly like labour without the epidural! The hospital prescribed pain medication but I had not taken any as I thought it would be better to take them that night when I took the Cytotec. I didn’t know nature was going to take its course before then. After 3 weeks, I began to think it was never going to happen.

My husband was such a huge support the entire time and I honestly don’t think I could love that man more. We lost our little sac of dreams at lunch time on the 14^th of August. I may have lost this pregnancy but I have not lost hope of having another beautiful child in the future. We are already blessed to have 1 beautiful child so I know that while I am devastated at the loss of this pregnancy I am luckier than others. The luxury of wallowing in self-pity will not be awarded to me, I have too many things to be grateful for in life.

“Each new life, no matter how brief, forever changes the world.”

 I hope that this blog post will help some people who are going through the same thing. I know that I found a lot of comfort in other people’s blogs, who shared similar experiences. Please feel free to leave a comment below or to share your story.  Negative comments will be deleted.

You can find more information about miscarriage on the following sites:

www.miscarriage.ie

www.babyandbump.momtastic.com

Take care,

Kel x