Good
morning,
I’ve pretty
much been absent from my blog for a couple of months now and although I knew that
I would be writing a big post at the end of the summer, I didn’t think it would
be this one. At the start of this month (August), I was preparing to shout from
the rooftops,” I’m having a baby” but unfortunately that all changed over the
last 3 weeks.
Before
I begin this blog post, I will warn you that I although I’m not usually much of
an emotional sharer, on the flip side, I don’t hold back on information when it
comes to important topics like this one. Please note: T.M.I.
This is the story of my miscarriage,
Saturday, 27th
of July, the day after my 30th Birthday. I was on Skype
chatting to my in laws. Everything felt normal, nothing out of the ordinary. As
I chatted, I looked down at my growing belly, a reminder of the little life
growing underneath. After the call, I used the bathroom and noticed a tiny spot
of brown on the tissue. I stared at it for ages, wondering, is this
something to worry about. I’m normally a bit of a hypochondriac so I surprised
myself by deciding that as it was so so small, it was too insignificant to
warrant all out panic. I mentioned it to my husband though in passing just in case
it was something that happened again.
Sunday, 28th
July, Sunday brunch with my best friend, to celebrate my Birthday. Such a beautiful
day. We chatted about getting older. About funny things that have happened in
the past and of how exciting it was to be both pregnant at the same time. If
our children could be half the friends we were, wouldn’t it be amazing.
Monday 29th
July, 9 and a half weeks. When I woke up, something didn’t feel right! The best way I can
describe it to you, is that I didn’t feel pregnant anymore. My breasts didn’t feel
tender and my bloated stomach felt deflated. I used the bathroom around lunch
time and noticed the brown spotting had returned, although still not much to
talk about, it had increased in volume. Generally, it was only when I wiped. I called my husband and asked him what he
thought and then phoned the doctor. In the doctor’s office, a pregnancy test
showed positive which gave me some hope. Reading up on miscarriages afterwards,
I now know that pregnancy tests cam remain positive for a couple of weeks after
a miscarriage. The doctor referred me to A & E in the maternity hospital
In the hospital I had 3 external scans done. The first 2 doctors
could not find the sac. I was starting to think I had made the whole thing up
and this was some kind of phantom pregnancy. The 3rd, a registrar
finally found the sac which ruled out an ectopic. I was told it was too early
to see something on the external scan and would have to wait for appointment in
the Early Pregnancy Unit.
Tuesday 30th
July. Although it had not been confirmed officially, I knew this
pregnancy was coming to an end.
Wednesday, 31st
of July. With no call from the EPU, I went ahead a made an appointment
with a private clinic to have the internal scan done. The minutes felt like
hours, so you can just imagine the thought of having to wait another few days
for confirmation of the inevitable.
Thursday 1st
August, 1st , internal scan. Just confirming what I already knew,
the internal showed a sac, the foetal pole, a foetus but no heartbeat. It was
nice for us to see the little one on the screen, tiny little head and body with
2 arms and 2 legs. While the sonographer could not say officially she did say
if my dates were right then her feeling would be that it was a miscarriage.
Friday 2nd
August – Wednesday 7th, in limbo. The brown discharge is
still present but unassuming, if you like.
Wednesday 7th August. My 2nd internal scan.
Although this is my second internal, it was my first at the hospital which I
had originally attended. Again, you could see the sac and foetus but noticeably
it had reduced in size. I gave the doctor my report from the private clinic which
showed the discrepancy in size. For my doctor, it just looked like an early
pregnancy. Even though I knew my dates were spot on, I had to wait another week
to make sure it the pregnancy was not viable before they could medically
intervene.
Thursday 7th –
Wednesday 14th . Went back to work in an attempt to get some normality back in my
life. The brown discharge became red blood over the weekend which strangely I
was happy about. Finally my body was going to let go of the baby it never gave
life to.
Wednesday 14th
August. 3rd Internal. Miscarriage was official. I had my bloods
done to check if I needed a shot of Anti D (for negative blood groups) and I
was give 4 Cytotec tablets to be inserted that night. These soften the cervix
and encourage the contents of the womb to be expelled. I’m sorry if that sounds
cold but for me that was reality of the situation.
That day I had not been feeling 100% anyway and had been feeling some
slight contractions of the cervix. It was like a dull ache. I had no cramps but
I could feel the tightening on the inside. I went home from the hospital. My husband took
me for breakfast. After a while I realised something wasn’t right and the ‘period
like’ pains were getting stronger and more frequent.
By Lunch time, the blood flow had increased significantly and the
pains were coming on like contractions. I didn’t realise for a while that they
were actually contractions. After about 15 mins the pain became very severe and
there was no let up between contractions. It was exactly like labour without
the epidural! The hospital prescribed pain medication but I had not taken any
as I thought it would be better to take them that night when I took the Cytotec.
I didn’t know nature was going to take its course before then. After 3 weeks, I
began to think it was never going to happen.
My husband was such a huge support the entire time and I honestly don’t
think I could love that man more. We lost our little sac of dreams at lunch
time on the 14th of August. I may have lost this pregnancy but I
have not lost hope of having another beautiful child in the future. We are
already blessed to have 1 beautiful child so I know that while I am devastated
at the loss of this pregnancy I am luckier than others. The luxury of wallowing
in self-pity will not be awarded to me, I have too many things to be grateful
for in life.
“Each new life, no matter how brief, forever changes the world.”
I hope
that this blog post will help some people who are going through the same thing.
I know that I found a lot of comfort in other people’s blogs, who shared
similar experiences. Please feel free to leave a comment below or to share your
story. Negative comments will be
deleted.
You can
find more information about miscarriage on the following sites:
Take
care,
Kel x
